Fractal Thinking

I am so excited, I finally have worked out a theory for thinking and evolution based on fractals. It is the natural evolution process explained in it's complexity with an ever present, geometric, free flowing, self-creating, self-perpetuating, thought. This will be huge, this is the day I thought of it, and wanted to write it down. I woke up at 5am with it right there in my head, seeming so natural and obvious. I love thinking so much, but the feelings they generate are the real treasure.

Respond-ability

An example of we do have the ability to act, even when we think we don't/can't


Dulce,

What I want to say is, I am extremely dissatisfied with your use of this new 14oz carton. I have tried and tried (daily) to get used to less, and I just cant get by it. I have eaten one of these pints a day for about 13 years, the last five years I cut back to 8oz serving, due to a slight weight issue. By your new standards you have cut me back to 6 oz servings. It never works out in the new carton, (if I were to shrink my portion to your new size container) I eat too much on the first 1/2 of the carton (cannot stop at half), and it's too little a quantity for the second day. So i have anxiety on the first day and even more on the second day. Not even getting to the bottom of the carton is fun anymore. An ice-cream of decadence speaks much more of decadence with MORE. Ice cream in it's rare and expensive form does not fit the character of a good ice cream. It is MILK, (something some of us LOVE, we possibly are dealing with mother issues, I'm just sayin) it should be supremely satisfying and NEVER be enough. But cutting one back makes this an odd situation. But you are, "Haagen-Daz", you are more than the other guys. We crave you because we know you're the best. Not because we think we have a choice.
I like that, that's what you used to do for me, please quite messing with my Mojo!
Charge more if you have to, but don't shrink the carton.
After all this, Remember, I am enlightened and I do have a choice. "-)
Warmly,
Rick Paris

I feel, therefore I am

Such a "more real" statement, than it's predecessor, "I think, therefore I am". Chauvinism again, "let's put the spirit and the masculine ahead of all things", thought over feeling. Hierarchies really don't work for anyone, even the one on the pedestal, it just looks like it from the stands. Here is one of the biggest mistakes in consensus reality. Really a problem.

When I think the direction of life will come from positive thoughts or just thinking better thoughts, I can see it is highly unlikely to happen. Unless the issue really doesn't mean much to me, then it's easier to create, it's not scary because of intimacy. (also why it is easier to create the dreams of another). Creating mediocrity is way easier than my dreams.
When I generate thoughts "over" the true feelings, they become empty and I create realities where they hurt my spirit, I can feel I have no support for them. I am essentially creating pain, by act of separation, (the definition of pain being a synergy between "separation from", and "longing for") If i am "faking it", it ends up creating stale painful experiences. "They don't work out" My feelings must be honest, brutally so, to generate reality in accordance (heart) with my will (thought). I mean it is working, perfectly, even when it is sucking.

It is creating the thoughts underneath, the fears or the feelings of non-deserving, the crap underneath, that's what is creating the reality. The reality is "filled in" with the substance (matter) of feeling, after the thoughts. (spirit searches for soul, soul waits for spirit) The true eternal dance. If I feel badly and I try to think over the feelings with better, faster thoughts and the reality still looks badly, it is because I didn't slow down the thoughts long enough to generate new honest feelings of goodness. I can feel I am out of internal integrity.

There's also another reason, I am not reading life properly, it is when shame is in the way. If shame is in the way, I cannot see i have feelings of being damaged, While" in shame" i am hiding these feelings so intensely painful, they run my reality. They have been running so long, I don't hear the pattern (consistent thought combined with feelings) anymore. So even when I am feeling good and programming, I can create a crappy reality because the feelings, thoughts of damage run under my awareness. The reason I know those feelings are there is because in spite of all my abilities and knowings, my current ability to focus, my depth of commitment and my enlightened awareness I have a reality that actually still didn't work. (it did, just not as I planned) The resonance from the pain is greater than my new thoughts and feelings, they are competing for space. Intensity wins. Emotions actually create reality. (not without thoughts to direct those feelings) Why do i seem to create so many of my fears? Because I am blocking myself from feeling fear because i don't like it. So it builds underneath in intensity and competes for time and space while it continues to grow, and it creates reality instead of my conscious thoughts and feelings. Seems so easy right now. damn.

My Passion

My Passion, my Art and my Hobby is Conscious Reality Creation.

I really just got this.

Just wait until I am a master at this, I have mastered so much else, it is inevitable.

Permission again, only much deeper, and much more vulnerably.

I am writing just what I want from now on, to really write for me, I don't care anymore if anyone gets me, what a waste of energy that has been, such a distraction internally. I think i want to see how I think on paper. Sort of speaking.
i think these might look really different, we'll see.
I was just thinking this.



If you were really just "calling to hear their voice", wouldn't the answering machine be just fine?
Maybe the message you leave might sound like, " I was calling to hear your voice and this was perfect, thank you, I was missing you, bye!".

There is so much honesty in it.

Senses

We want to be whole again, we search for the Light, the Warmth, the Substance, the Movement, The Voice. The senses are nothing more than different ways to measure these subtleties of energy. In the vast amount available they are in fact extremely limited. They are different ways to explore what we all inherently know is there. The desire we have to feel is the motivation for sense creation. So limited are these senses and still we fear so much with them. With all their inherent limitations and we still feel we are too sensitive, we think we feel so much. The world is screaming at us, we aren't feeling enough. We are thinking in a lower complexity, this is our current round of resistance as humans. Our feelings are attempting to lift our thinking to a higher complexity, evolution is coming from the feeling part of ourselves. I feel, therefore i am.

Attention to detail

Letting go of the Past, emotionally.

After several waves of grief, I am close to the bottom of a very long and drawn out process.(honestly years) I wish I could have done it with a bit more panache, but hey, you know me. Letting go of my past was a somewhat arduous process. I started understanding it, rationally, even meditatively, spiritually, conceptually, but emotionally, I would have to say now, "not" I thought so, but not really. How do I know I am doing it, really, the world is saying so.

I will get better and better at explaining things, remembering nuances of thinking in order to write about them later. Writing is slowly becoming a part of my thinking, even though I still resist it a lot. A whole different type of people are moving into my life.

This week was monumental in seeing so many changes, I just wanted to be "outside" looking for the change in the metaphors of my life, something I mostly do now. Seeing life through metaphor makes everything so much more magical and so much more meaning can be found without even having to "look", it exists in the act of doing it. As some of you know, I moved to Italy to try something new, in it's utter (seemingly) failure, I learned many of the pieces I needed to supersede myself in a way i have only longed for. Upon my return, laying all the pieces of my experience out on the table like a great puzzle. Totally changing perspectives is a powerful coaching tool, but I really changed my perspective, I moved. To another country. It was fabulous and heartbreaking, but, man what an intense ride of change.

When you really let go of your past, life changes. That's really how you know you have done it, t's not the peace it brings to your mind, not thinking about it so much, it's not the interesting concept of it that excites the mind with possibilities of a pain-free experience, not even the feeling of independence it brings logically figuring it out and making adjustments daily. It is waking up and everything is different.

The key was in the pain i felt of all the years of trying to fit in with my family. Starting with my mother dis-owning me three days before I left for Italy. All the processing, all the work, all the pain of feeling always separate from them was the energy In-formation. I wasn't reading it right, because I always thought I was the one bad and wrong. Of course all "the work" helped to be strong enough for that moment of her ultimate denial of me. It was not in being rejected, it was in the realization that it was always there and she just freed me. i finally felt her rejection, and accepted it. She, "in her always" perfect integrity, released a barrage of pain in such a way, it was a surreal experience of seeing her for the first time clearly. I was protected in a sense from all the processing, to see her and the relationship for what it always was, just a missed connection. My parents are fair and nice people, just not my people. "Looking for love in all the wrong places".

There has been the sense of not recognizing my world, but that sense is not fearful. I am recognizing love coming to me like never before, vast waves that take my breath away, cause me to shake with ecstasy, and feel fine crying like a baby as I am just sitting in a cafe, and creating (by choice) no one even looks. I can do it freely and in peace.

I have met more amazing, free people, aligned with my greater (Self) intentions in one week than I have in the last 4 years. I am being asked to share, even from interested strangers. I feel I am walking with the elements, life is moving and allowing me to shine, with an elegance and a fundamental joy, feeling the resonance I am experiencing in myself, as a higher frequency. NOT by my interpretations of my inner world, or negative -ego, but by the action in the outer world. It is what I always knew I could do here. It's like magic, and I see how to do it and I want more baby. Dominion. So amazingly refreshing to feel it more than a concept, but to see it is so. Where you are headed is far more important than where you have been. Beauty is as beauty does.

Easy

I'm easy to be with because I don't care if your here or not.

Relationships

i am not interested in balance per se,
Relationships are like Teeter Toters,
the point is not to balance one another, it is to lift the other.

Vacation

I am finally understanding
a journey is a way to a place it isn't the trip.

Art

To inspire as many people as I can, I think I want my art to be beautiful and simple.
I want my art to sell for a lot AND i want people to look at it and say,"I could have done that".

Relationships

I find it very hard to stay close to someone, especially an EX, after you know you have done some of your best growing/loving and saw some of the worst parts of yourself.

Women and Compassion

As each day unfolds and I find myself becoming more sensitive to life on a daily basis, I see so much beauty in the feminine, as I embrace it daily. Not that I haven't seen it, or embraced it, something deeper is happening, as I slow W-A-Y down. Women, so much embodying that reflection. So much nurturing, so much compassion, so much power, a great power without the force you usually see with movement. I can feel so much power, a grounded, stable, soulful power, one that is subtle. Like a wave that builds with a silent exponential consistency. A force so compelling in a way, I find myself wanting to reach out and hug a woman every time I see her beautiful strength, a strength so apparent to me now, deeply nestled in her vulnerability.

I see a great separation happening between humanity, one where chauvinism is attempting to distort this beauty in a "power-over". Some women are perpetrating this, (many times much more overtly than men have or had done in recent history) using this time to push the masculine down, to judge it negatively in many ways. Most of the men in front of them in their moments of aggression are not even to blame or even part of anything remotely having to do with their rage. Not that they shouldn't be out-raged. Centuries of diminishing them can do that, but it isn't us. The rage they feel for being diminished for being women for so long, playing with a shortened hand from day one.

I also see the capacity for forgiveness in their eyes. in their actions. It is causing me to take a deep look at my own strengths. I am getting it on a cellular level that vulnerability truly is the greatest expression of strength. Receiving can be truly the greatest strength. I have it and I will use it. I can see the feminine never wanted to do anything alone, she is about connectedness, Oneness. She is always with me/us, she only looks like she steps back, actually i/we pushed away, she knew I/we would come home.

I see where a lot of pain/anger comes up when a woman judges me (or any man) for just being a man, like I, by my gender is some kind of grand perpetrator. Staying open, humble, vulnerable, understanding. Man! I see how difficult this must have been. I feel so powerless at times, feeling actually Angry for being a man, now. Something I will have to process for sure, I feel what has been done, seeing my own (mostly unconscious) contribution to this way of perception, it is here, it is overtly here. I must have been thinking and feeling these things all along. To really get that now. The reality so heavy with chauvinism. Recognition is a first step to changing, acknowledgment is second, third is forgiveness. I am forgiving myself of the denial of the feminine, for my anger at not having a good mother, my anger of feeling separated, thinking she is weak, feeling abandoned, unprotected, diminished and discarded. I truly am sorry. The weight of this, the wall of energy resisting you, denying you. Manipulating you. I am about to be a new kind of man, one I do not know what will look like, but It will be different. I will be a better man. I will create the security in myself to allow you to be nurtured. I will have the courage, the character combined with integrity and the compassion to receive it, to allow you to assist me in seeing it. I will not judge the women for their reversing, (reversed chauvinism) they have an inherent capacity to see their emotional, physical impact, they will not hold this very long. I will trust you. I am open. I take a different turn, I change. Let me surf you, Let's lift. Bring it.