Letting go of the Past, emotionally.

After several waves of grief, I am close to the bottom of a very long and drawn out process.(honestly years) I wish I could have done it with a bit more panache, but hey, you know me. Letting go of my past was a somewhat arduous process. I started understanding it, rationally, even meditatively, spiritually, conceptually, but emotionally, I would have to say now, "not" I thought so, but not really. How do I know I am doing it, really, the world is saying so.

I will get better and better at explaining things, remembering nuances of thinking in order to write about them later. Writing is slowly becoming a part of my thinking, even though I still resist it a lot. A whole different type of people are moving into my life.

This week was monumental in seeing so many changes, I just wanted to be "outside" looking for the change in the metaphors of my life, something I mostly do now. Seeing life through metaphor makes everything so much more magical and so much more meaning can be found without even having to "look", it exists in the act of doing it. As some of you know, I moved to Italy to try something new, in it's utter (seemingly) failure, I learned many of the pieces I needed to supersede myself in a way i have only longed for. Upon my return, laying all the pieces of my experience out on the table like a great puzzle. Totally changing perspectives is a powerful coaching tool, but I really changed my perspective, I moved. To another country. It was fabulous and heartbreaking, but, man what an intense ride of change.

When you really let go of your past, life changes. That's really how you know you have done it, t's not the peace it brings to your mind, not thinking about it so much, it's not the interesting concept of it that excites the mind with possibilities of a pain-free experience, not even the feeling of independence it brings logically figuring it out and making adjustments daily. It is waking up and everything is different.

The key was in the pain i felt of all the years of trying to fit in with my family. Starting with my mother dis-owning me three days before I left for Italy. All the processing, all the work, all the pain of feeling always separate from them was the energy In-formation. I wasn't reading it right, because I always thought I was the one bad and wrong. Of course all "the work" helped to be strong enough for that moment of her ultimate denial of me. It was not in being rejected, it was in the realization that it was always there and she just freed me. i finally felt her rejection, and accepted it. She, "in her always" perfect integrity, released a barrage of pain in such a way, it was a surreal experience of seeing her for the first time clearly. I was protected in a sense from all the processing, to see her and the relationship for what it always was, just a missed connection. My parents are fair and nice people, just not my people. "Looking for love in all the wrong places".

There has been the sense of not recognizing my world, but that sense is not fearful. I am recognizing love coming to me like never before, vast waves that take my breath away, cause me to shake with ecstasy, and feel fine crying like a baby as I am just sitting in a cafe, and creating (by choice) no one even looks. I can do it freely and in peace.

I have met more amazing, free people, aligned with my greater (Self) intentions in one week than I have in the last 4 years. I am being asked to share, even from interested strangers. I feel I am walking with the elements, life is moving and allowing me to shine, with an elegance and a fundamental joy, feeling the resonance I am experiencing in myself, as a higher frequency. NOT by my interpretations of my inner world, or negative -ego, but by the action in the outer world. It is what I always knew I could do here. It's like magic, and I see how to do it and I want more baby. Dominion. So amazingly refreshing to feel it more than a concept, but to see it is so. Where you are headed is far more important than where you have been. Beauty is as beauty does.