A different kind of post

I think I may write down a few of these more intimate posts about my journey. Maybe these can help too.

I woke up at 11;30, after going to bed at 11. wow. I can hardly believe how much I keep sleeping. I am beginning to think I am in some form of denial or something. I have never felt like hibernating SO much before during a winter. Things here have been really difficult in ways I cannot explain, or can even hear myself touch on the reasons. I do feel a deep uncomfortablity.
Something is bubbling up, I hope sooner than later. It is time for change again, I can feel it, but do not have a grasp on what it is at all. Logically everything here is fine, beautiful and relaxed, nothing to really complain about, but very internally uncomfortable in moments. I believe I came to Italy for a different perspective, I have come in a way, "setting myself up" to go through something big, something I have been avoiding mostly Unconsciously. That is what I can recognize, the internal (avoidance of) fear that comes up when I am resisting a needed change
I can feel I am beginning to have a very large wave of "something" lifting inside, it is making me very uneasy. I am feeling the desire and frankly the need to elevate myself, in a success oriented way, and for some reason feeling terrified to do it, but I really must. My own life is calling me to do it.

I have been hiding for sometime. I see that now. I have learned so much about what makes me happy, satisfied, in-joy, and awake on a daily basis. Without the "trappings" of success I once knew, all the consuming, businesses, cars, designer this and that, houses, etc. Now, not having those trappings is actually hindering my growth. It's not that I haven't thought of this before, it is now creating an emotional pressure I now recognize. It is not the trappings so much anymore, (by trappings I mean actually feeling trapped under the weight of what they consumed of my life and in me daily) I am looking for an expression of who I am in the world now, success should be there from an honest and deeper real place. To choose it, because I want and deserve it. To create it from my "beingness", not SO much from my elevated "doingness". "Being" is many times much more difficult than doing. I find it is it's own centered doing.

Why not live an elevated life? Without of course giving up any of what makes life truly grand. There is so much love in my life, so much peace, joy, so much fulfillment, and freedom, Especially the freedom, the thoughts and feelings of what I have done (courageously done) makes me cry thinking about how free I have become. In some way, my peace is asking me to create more success, but in a new and greater way, not anything like before.

I think I am so afraid somewhere inside to lose all i am experiencing now, or afraid I just can't really create like I did anymore, of course they are fears, not realities. I have to unearth them. I hope you didn't mind this ramble, I see it better now. Maybe you are in a similar place?