I finally figured out why I have betrayed others.
When you are betrayed at a young age, which can look like one or both of your parents left, died or physically abused you, you probably have a really large betrayal in another life you are here to deal with. Betrayal causes you to not have trust fundamentally in your belief system. You act out a betrayal early in order to Learn the long division in a sense on how to be trusted, and to trust. As a Shaman, I do know i have had several lifetimes where I was betrayed and am learning to heal those in this one. As well as the damage those lessons have manifested in this lifetime, to myself and others.
When we come into this life with lessons of betrayal, we will create it very early in life. For me it was my mother, she did not ever feel comfortable with me, we didn't click from day one. I could not feel that fundamental connection that mothering, unconditional love, that she, or the mothering figure communicates to us in physical form. Fathers are about that ability to earn love.
My mother saw me as a spitting image (appropriate definition here) of my father. (41 years later she cringes at the thought of him, he left her with two kids and no job skills, or even a drivers license for that matter) My mother and father also had some history with their parents around betrayal. Her betrayal reinforced deeply by the age of 23. Never healed.
So, she continues to attempt to betray, not understanding her role in it, a victim to other's acts of separation.
Betrayal is basically a deep separation, that has scared us, mostly our Unconscious, our sub-conscious showing us the scar by repeating the patterns of betrayal. Small ones, large ones, catastrophic ones.
In every relationship thus far, I have been betrayed and I have betrayed.
I now finally understand my own dynamic, to stop something that seemed impossible at first, because the reality keeps telling you to not trust, you'll never be loved, and get out before you get hurt.
So I gave myself away, ( it's not loved anyway), don't trust the love coming in, (because I'm not being my real self, if you knew it, you would stop), do all of this at a certain arm's distance. (because I know you will see me through the gaps of my illusion and eventually leave).
The other in the relationship just stays confused to some degree and cannot trust either, although they won't totally know why, because everything looks and sounds good. One betrayer will usually find another. It just works so nicely together reinforcing each other's pain.
Now comes the negative ego. In order to survive a betrayal, you must also need a tremendous will, if you did not have that you would surely die. The pain to get through this is too immense to do it without the will to live and survive. Negative Ego (N.E.) takes your will and uses it against you in an attempt to keep you small, keep you in chains. It is always your enemy. So it convinces you over time, you know how to get something done, you know how to will it with choice. So you do, with a certain amount of ease and grace, you know you are strong, you are, but in certain areas you are not and your N.E. knows it, and knows where you can be had. In issues of trust when you have a betrayal, it will convince you to just "choose to be trusted and trustworthy". It knows you don't have the resources for that kind of trust, at least mine did.
Here is the tricky part: You do not have an internal basis for trust, you have not gained or learned it from the mothering figure, that choice is empty. There is no weight of experience behind it. It is as if you want to lose 30 pounds and you say I want to lose 30 pounds and you don't know what you do to lose it, so it stays. There are no secondary choices in place to make it real. What other choices need to be in place? Perhaps exercise, altered eating, or just different belief structures about what you are eating, all these choices must be based in your current beliefs, your subconscious will adhere to those. Those also can be changed for more ease and elegance, but that is another blog entry.
How many things do you understand in life, where you just choose it and it happens?
By this I mean; in a three dimensional reality,(which we live in) it takes length, width and depth for something to exist. One choice is the basis for a point in space. What choices are around it to make it have substance? It is the other choices that reinforce the first choices existence. One choice cannot live/survive on its own. More choices equals greater depth, greater significance, greater mass, greater meaning. In places where you can make a choice and it sticks, it's because you have a fundamental understanding, an internal map where the other choices are already in alignment with the primary choice, unconsciously.
When you are dealing with something you are not good at, or have no internal structure for and you think, (Like I usually get many things done with a single choice) or your N.E. says, "yea, you can choose that and get'er done" and you just choose, you will not create that reality. You have no Unconscious internal structure for the choice to be more real, so it dwindles and loses it's power. and you create what looks like a breach or a still-born reality, you are not successful, and your esteem takes a hit, and your N.E. wins again. You are diminished. Your positive ego (self-esteem is diminished in a failure of choice) It is not something is "wrong", it is it will take a greater level of responsibility and understanding to make it so.
With Betrayal, you have been wounded, you are arrested internally, you did not gain trust, you did not learn the grounded reliability in Love, how it looks and tastes and feels to trust, to feel you could lean. You learn to be self-absorbed, possibly narcissistic to some degree. Because those can be symptoms of pain, of dis-trust. A compensation for its lack.
If you are a betrayer, you most likely are trying to learn the long-division of this dynamic, you can turn this weakness into an immense strength, because it will be conscious, you will have to understand all its aspects to make it so. It now has a potential to be rock-solid. It is your path to learn it, why else would you be creating/living/responding to it?
So, it will be an individual experience. It will be all the secondary thoughts and feelings, sensations that reinforce your choice to be trustworthy. To hold your line for love. Where are the arenas where you wave off your choice to be stable, is it in your "normal" everyday interactions with the other gender? (or the same), how do you not create security for the other, does the other use control to try to get you to "do" certain things that would communicate security for them? Maybe things you think are OK, are really keeping you away, you must see your own dynamic here, no more examples will make sense, you have to find the places you do not create security and trust in the other, we will all do that differently. This is the very basis of responsibility (respond-ability). Just look for the places you rationalize your behaviors around another, where do you blame them? You can do this, I did it and so can you, heal yourself, be yourself.
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