X marks the spot

I am so tired.
It seems I have to run a deeper thread into a place I have been back to again and again. Threads of pain will no longer be a large enough conduit to deal with this. When I am finished I suppose it will end, I am choosing to be finished now. Lets see how deep and wide this choice will cover. I will meditate on nothing more than my choice today, to generate all the energy i might need to pass the point of no return. I do not want to just bleed off some pain, I want it healed, I cannot be who I feel is possible with this. I am grieving so much, I am not sure I can do it, I also know I can, this is the point I have to own both parts of this paradox, I cannot/do not want to live in this lacking reality, It is time to supersede. I am here to succeed. My way is yet again totally lost. I am in a darkness where there is no way out with the person I currently identify with. With the person I have been. I do not know my true self, but i can sense it's nature, I can feel it softly calling me through all the interference inside. It is not as hard to hear as it once was.

I am so sorry that so many have been waiting to see, to love, my best self, and I have denied it from so many, even me of course and for that I am truly sorry. The damage i received was a lot for me, not too much, but a lot I guess. It has been a battle, I must do everything I can now to have a victory, not even a victory, I have had many of those, but i guess I seek a victory that is actually a triumph, a victory of character, that is what is needed now.

To find the self I have lost, to bring something home, that I cannot seem to remember, but know it is there. It is time to go into solitude. I cannot find myself with anyone else now. Even this self. But this self has the clues, to dig again. I will use this solstice/equinox energy to begin today, in harmony.

I apologize to all those I have loved and done their best to love me. It is/was I'm sure difficult watching me struggle with myself. Please know Your Love has not been without impact, without it I would not have come this far. I will make it easier for all of us.
I am sorry for all the struggle, I love you, you know who you are, and I know who you are. I will change now, as I write this, I choose to put it in words as my acknowledgment of my choice, and as one of the places to make this choice more significant.
I would ask you to send me some love. I can use it, I am asking right up front for it.